Lost and Found

My smart phone has a protection application that will help me find it when it goes missing. If I lose my phone around the house, say under a stack of papers or wedged under a couch cushion, I can log on to a special web page from my computer, ask the software to dial my phone and have it ring at the highest decibel level it can muster with the most obnoxious ring tone in its repertoire - even if the phone is powered off. I tested this feature recently with my phone on the table next to me along with (and this is unfortunate) the family cat. A few seconds after the computer made the call, my phone came screaming to life and flopped around on the tabletop like a catfish just pulled onto the dock. Poor kitty went from purring to perturbed in one second flat.

The phone protection app has other really cool features as well. For instance, it will with a single mouse click put a cross hair on a map showing the exact location of my phone at the moment I am looking for it. This would have come in handy for my last phone, which dropped out my pocket at a rest stop along Route 95 in Delaware. Not that I would have considered backtracking 100 miles to retrieve it. I mean, come on, it was Wilmington. There is no phone worth making that drive.

The most intriguing feature of this phone protection business is the message option. The web page doesn’t go into much detail on this, simply stating: “show a customized message on your home screen for anyone who finds your device.” Yeah, the person who finds my device. Got it. We all know what that really means. If my phone is stolen, I can send a message directly to the thief telling him or her just how I feel about this violation.

I tested this feature at once, sending the following message to my phone: “Hey motherf%$ker, I know what you did. I’m coming to get what’s mine.” And just like that, bing, there was the message on my phone’s screen, bordered in red with multiple exclamation marks.

I tried it again. “Yo, a-hole, I listened in on your calls to your girlfriend and tracked her down. We met up at nice restaurant you could never afford. I bought her some nice wine. Whispered beautiful things in her ear using words you don’t even know. Yeah, you can guess what happened after that.”

And again: “Listen up %&#wad, I’ll only say this once. I work for the Agency. I have access to drones. My phone will be replaced. You won’t be.”

This felt great! A sense of virtual empowerment. The victim taking charge over the scumbag crook. But the message to the stolen phone is not the end of the story. No, sir, it’s not over. With another keystroke I can lock my phone, ensuring that the thief will never use it again. And finally…the release of the poison gas.

O.K., there is no poison gas feature. Sigh. I’ve notified the software developers. Maybe in the next version.

My Music Heros

This summer I’ll be seeing some of my favorite performers in concert, John Prine, Richard Thompson, Lyle Lovett, and Steve Earle, all within 3 weeks. This is songwriter overload. If John Hiatt was included I’d be in songwriter nirvana. I can’t count how many times I’ve seen John Prine and Richard Thompson. I’ve seen Lyle Lovett once and I never seen Steve Earle perform before. Steve Earle has quickly become one of my favorites. I like songwriters that make a statement, not just “my baby left me” but something meaningful. His song “This City” totally captures what New Orleans (one of my favorite cities) has gone through the last few years. He has a great role in the HBO series “Treme” as the king (my opinion) of the street musicians. America has some of the best songwriters in the world, they write from experience and they write about real life. Steve Earle, John Prine, and John Hiatt exhibit the best of what American songwriting has to offer. These guys are up there with Woody Guthrie in writing about the American existence. None of them would make it American Idol and that’s just sad. Shallow and formulaic is what counts there, not music that makes you think and feel.

Richard Thompson is simply one of the most brilliant guitarist/songwriters out there. He’s a Brit so he doesn’t get mentioned with the Americans but a genius none the less. He’s been writing and performing brilliant music for over 40 years with Fairport Convention, with Linda Thompson, and solo. You really owe it to yourself to see him in concert.

The only thing that would improve this line up is seeing The Band (I saw The Band after Robbie Robertson left but before Richard Manuel and Rick Danko died), early Dylan, early Springsteen (I did see Springsteen during the Born In The USA tour), and Creedence. I’ve seen The Dead and Los Lobos many times so don’t go there. I saw Little Feat in ’78 at the Warner Theatre in DC, unbelievable. A year later Lowell George was dead and that magic would never happen again. These shows are moments to be treasured, they may never happen again.

It’s the end of the world!

May 21^st, the day that Harold Camping says is the day of rapture. Earthquakes in New Zealand and Japan, the tsunami and nuclear disaster in Japan, the Mississippi River flooding, Man United winning it’s 19^th English title, Man City winning the FA Cup, Newt Gingrich declaring his candidacy for president, and really, the 21st is a Saturday. Seriously, I have to work all week to have the world end on the weekend! WTF! It couldn’t happen on a Monday. Yeah, like I’m going to put in a full effort this week with no payback at week’s end except the end of the world. That’ll work. What the hell, Liverpool blew it’s chance to seal a bid in the Europa League (purgatory pretty much). Coach L left dear old GMU for Miami, really, Miami (Florida) where coaches go to die. How much worse can it get? Oh “The Donald” is not running for president. Thanks. I feel so much better. I’m moving to Greenland, I hear it’s warmer there.

Starbucks what have you done?

My beloved Seattle's Best Coffee has been reduced to a beginners level coffee whore. Seriously have you seen the packaging? Level 1 (mild), Level 2 (Bright), Level 3 (balanced), level 4 (rich), level 5 (bold). Really? If you look at the fine print (in 4 pt type) you might be able to figure out which of SBC's coffees fit the profile. Seattle's Best Blend is "level 3." There's no telling where Post Alley Blend, Breakfast Blend, Bistro Blend, fit into this framework. I mean, do you really think I'm going to go out and buy "level 3"? Good news for Peet's & Caribou where I will be getting my coffee from now on. RIP SBC, you will be missed.

Level 3 - the coffee formerly known as Seattle's Best Blend.