Lost and Found

My smart phone has a protection application that will help me find it when it goes missing. If I lose my phone around the house, say under a stack of papers or wedged under a couch cushion, I can log on to a special web page from my computer, ask the software to dial my phone and have it ring at the highest decibel level it can muster with the most obnoxious ring tone in its repertoire - even if the phone is powered off. I tested this feature recently with my phone on the table next to me along with (and this is unfortunate) the family cat. A few seconds after the computer made the call, my phone came screaming to life and flopped around on the tabletop like a catfish just pulled onto the dock. Poor kitty went from purring to perturbed in one second flat.

The phone protection app has other really cool features as well. For instance, it will with a single mouse click put a cross hair on a map showing the exact location of my phone at the moment I am looking for it. This would have come in handy for my last phone, which dropped out my pocket at a rest stop along Route 95 in Delaware. Not that I would have considered backtracking 100 miles to retrieve it. I mean, come on, it was Wilmington. There is no phone worth making that drive.

The most intriguing feature of this phone protection business is the message option. The web page doesn’t go into much detail on this, simply stating: “show a customized message on your home screen for anyone who finds your device.” Yeah, the person who finds my device. Got it. We all know what that really means. If my phone is stolen, I can send a message directly to the thief telling him or her just how I feel about this violation.

I tested this feature at once, sending the following message to my phone: “Hey motherf%$ker, I know what you did. I’m coming to get what’s mine.” And just like that, bing, there was the message on my phone’s screen, bordered in red with multiple exclamation marks.

I tried it again. “Yo, a-hole, I listened in on your calls to your girlfriend and tracked her down. We met up at nice restaurant you could never afford. I bought her some nice wine. Whispered beautiful things in her ear using words you don’t even know. Yeah, you can guess what happened after that.”

And again: “Listen up %&#wad, I’ll only say this once. I work for the Agency. I have access to drones. My phone will be replaced. You won’t be.”

This felt great! A sense of virtual empowerment. The victim taking charge over the scumbag crook. But the message to the stolen phone is not the end of the story. No, sir, it’s not over. With another keystroke I can lock my phone, ensuring that the thief will never use it again. And finally…the release of the poison gas.

O.K., there is no poison gas feature. Sigh. I’ve notified the software developers. Maybe in the next version.

My Music Heros

This summer I’ll be seeing some of my favorite performers in concert, John Prine, Richard Thompson, Lyle Lovett, and Steve Earle, all within 3 weeks. This is songwriter overload. If John Hiatt was included I’d be in songwriter nirvana. I can’t count how many times I’ve seen John Prine and Richard Thompson. I’ve seen Lyle Lovett once and I never seen Steve Earle perform before. Steve Earle has quickly become one of my favorites. I like songwriters that make a statement, not just “my baby left me” but something meaningful. His song “This City” totally captures what New Orleans (one of my favorite cities) has gone through the last few years. He has a great role in the HBO series “Treme” as the king (my opinion) of the street musicians. America has some of the best songwriters in the world, they write from experience and they write about real life. Steve Earle, John Prine, and John Hiatt exhibit the best of what American songwriting has to offer. These guys are up there with Woody Guthrie in writing about the American existence. None of them would make it American Idol and that’s just sad. Shallow and formulaic is what counts there, not music that makes you think and feel.

Richard Thompson is simply one of the most brilliant guitarist/songwriters out there. He’s a Brit so he doesn’t get mentioned with the Americans but a genius none the less. He’s been writing and performing brilliant music for over 40 years with Fairport Convention, with Linda Thompson, and solo. You really owe it to yourself to see him in concert.

The only thing that would improve this line up is seeing The Band (I saw The Band after Robbie Robertson left but before Richard Manuel and Rick Danko died), early Dylan, early Springsteen (I did see Springsteen during the Born In The USA tour), and Creedence. I’ve seen The Dead and Los Lobos many times so don’t go there. I saw Little Feat in ’78 at the Warner Theatre in DC, unbelievable. A year later Lowell George was dead and that magic would never happen again. These shows are moments to be treasured, they may never happen again.

It’s the end of the world!

May 21^st, the day that Harold Camping says is the day of rapture. Earthquakes in New Zealand and Japan, the tsunami and nuclear disaster in Japan, the Mississippi River flooding, Man United winning it’s 19^th English title, Man City winning the FA Cup, Newt Gingrich declaring his candidacy for president, and really, the 21st is a Saturday. Seriously, I have to work all week to have the world end on the weekend! WTF! It couldn’t happen on a Monday. Yeah, like I’m going to put in a full effort this week with no payback at week’s end except the end of the world. That’ll work. What the hell, Liverpool blew it’s chance to seal a bid in the Europa League (purgatory pretty much). Coach L left dear old GMU for Miami, really, Miami (Florida) where coaches go to die. How much worse can it get? Oh “The Donald” is not running for president. Thanks. I feel so much better. I’m moving to Greenland, I hear it’s warmer there.

Starbucks what have you done?

My beloved Seattle's Best Coffee has been reduced to a beginners level coffee whore. Seriously have you seen the packaging? Level 1 (mild), Level 2 (Bright), Level 3 (balanced), level 4 (rich), level 5 (bold). Really? If you look at the fine print (in 4 pt type) you might be able to figure out which of SBC's coffees fit the profile. Seattle's Best Blend is "level 3." There's no telling where Post Alley Blend, Breakfast Blend, Bistro Blend, fit into this framework. I mean, do you really think I'm going to go out and buy "level 3"? Good news for Peet's & Caribou where I will be getting my coffee from now on. RIP SBC, you will be missed.

Level 3 - the coffee formerly known as Seattle's Best Blend.

The Transcendent Band

I'm waiting. Back in the day we had a lot of transcendent bands, The Beatles The Stones, The Who, Pink Floyd, Zeppelin, Cream, The Band, Jimi, The Grateful Dead, CSNY. Many others could be added to that list. In later years I would add Little Feat, Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, Talking Heads, Springsteen, Los Lobos, The Clash, Steely Dan, The Police, U2, Dave Matthews Band. Lately there just hasn't been a band that has blown me away. Maybe it's because I'm older and the bands that are really making a major impact are doing so to those much younger than me. Maybe there are just no bands making that kind of impact any more. Has Rock & Roll run it's course and is now so mainstream that no band has such a dramatic impact? I really hope not. I really like Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, The Drive By Truckers, and the Subdudes but none have had that kind of influence. Green Day, who I also like, have made an impact and now there is a Broadway Musical based on their "American Idiot" album. I fear that there are many transcendent bands out there that I am just missing because I am old and that their music just doesn't resonate with me. I'm being left behind by the very thing that I felt defined part of me. I used to have WHFS (102.3 in Bethesda, MD) with Weasel, Cerphe, Josh, Mark, and Damian to guide me. Now radio is a wasteland and only Pandora or internet radio leads me to new acts. I am constantly drawn back to those bands of yesteryear that I can no longer see perform except in a completely remade form. Getting old sucks.

Zuckerberg, Time Magazine's Person of the Year, Really?

Mark Zuckerberg, really? Have we stooped so low? The guy who gave us Facebook? That's all it takes? Sure Facebook rejuvenated Betty White's career so at least it's got that going for it but, really, it's just a way for people to talk to each other without actually having to talk to each other.

Here's my choice for Person of the Year, Jon Stewart. He would probably hate this but he has stepped forth as the voice of reason in this year of ridiculous bickering. It is not out of line to say that without Jon Stewart's lambasting of congress that the 9/11 first responder health care bill would not have passed. His Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear drew over 200,000 people to the national Mall (myself included) to say, "turn it down a notch America!" Yes he's a comedian but he makes more sense than most people, plus he's funny.

My choice for
PERSON OF THE YEAR - JON STEWART

Because he didn't invent Facebook!

Maybe he'll friend me for this post, oh boy!

What have you done?

Starbucks bought out Seattle's Best Coffee (and it was) a few years ago and now seems intent on destroying the brand. The latest onslaught is by changing the logo. SBC had a great logo (on the left) but it has been replaced by a new logo (on the right). How "Target" generic is that? I'd like to know how much they paid for that logo and how can I get in on that gig because I know I could've done better. Just what demographic is this new logo appealing to, the generic, Twilight, Android, Blade Runner, Futuristic, What's the point of it all, new world?
Which one makes you feel more warm and fuzzy?

A Picture Only A Deadhead Could Love

I saw this on the way in to work this morning. It made my day. Morning Dew Lawn Service with a "Steal Your Face" sticker on it (and a GD Euro oval). I had to take a picture.

The Dead live on!

Going Old School

I am on a quest. A quest for the beer of my college days (or before). Before micro brews and the mega breweries of Anheiser Busch and Miller took over everything. Lately hipster bars have put Pabst Blue Ribbon on tap. In the old days I would have never touched PBR but I have to admit I kind of enjoy it now. My buddy Jack picked up a case of Gennese Cream Ale for the World Cup this summer and that started this whole old school beer idea. I was in Milwaukee a few weeks ago and my mission was to find Schlitz on tap somewhere. It didn't happen and the one place I went that had Schlitz (and Blatz) on the menu were out of both. Curses, foiled again. I did find the Blatz Brewery which is now condos as is the old Pabst Brewery complex. I have to admit I would love to live in a condo in Brewery Building #2. Since then I have been looking up all of the old beers that I remember seeing commercials of as a child. Schaefer, Rheingold, Piels, Schlitz, PBR, I'm searching for them all (except Ballantine and Carling Black Label which sucked, not to keen on Stroh's either). They are the new microbreweries, reviving the old formulas and selling in small geographic areas. Strange that I can get Schlitz Malt Liquor at my 7-11 but not Schlitz beer. My friends have decided to help me in my quest. Jack went up to Pennsylvania and brought back Schmidts and Stegmaier (although it's now called Lionshead). Another friend is headed up to Staten Island where he will hopefully score some Rheingold and Schaefer (and maybe some Piels). "Schaefer is the one beer to have when you're having more than one", a prelude to college binge drinking? I don't know what's driving this, maybe a look back at simpler times. All I know is that I need a Schlitz because "When you're out of Schlitz, you're out of beer."

You should know

I blog here now.

So why not shut this blog down?

I dunno.

I kind of like it here.

Maybe I'll come back one day.

Something will always itch.

Spigot is a funny word

I woke up with a start yesterday morning realizing that I still had not turned off the outside water supply and the spigots could freeze. It's January, for Heaven's sake! Then I remembered that the temperature was expected to be in the 70s. Turns out we set a new record of 73 degrees for the day. No worries regarding the outdoor plumbing this winter it seems. Perhaps I ought to hook up the Super Splash Tunnel. In other climate news, a large ice shelf the size of Manhattan was found to have broken loose from the land mass where it was attached in the Canadian Arctic. The night watchman of the ice shelf says he is not responsible, adding: "It wasn't broken when I left it."

Loch Raven Review

Two of my poems appear in the Winter Issue of Loch Raven Review.

"Yukon" is new, while "Lifeline" was first published at Peeling Wallpaper in February 2005.

Quality Time

I like to read poetry on the toilet. In fact, it’s the only place I read poetry. No other spot in the house feels quite right. And I only read poetry in the morning. There’s something quite nice about starting my day with a good strong cup of coffee, a healthy constitutional and a couple of quality poems. I’m always on the lookout for a poem that will set the bar, challenge me to have the kind of day the poet obviously had in order to achieve that level of brilliance. Not that this happens often. Usually, the poem falls short or my day does.

Sometimes I wonder how the poets I read would feel knowing just where I read their work. Funny, though, I only think about that when I’m reading living poets. Dead poets, I’m quite sure, would be happy to know they are being read at all.

Speaking of dead poets, I just finished reading “Slouching Toward Nirvana,” by Charles Bukowski. This is Bukowski’s twelfth posthumous book of poems. The guy’s been dead since 1994 and he’s still averaging just under a new book a year. I really wish he would knock that off. Doesn’t he know how much of a slacker that makes me feel?

Here’s a little gem from Bukowski’s poem “you can’t make a lion out of a butterfly” about a boxer friend of his:

in the ring
right after the fight
Butterball had told me:
“that guy couldn’t raise half a
hard-on in a high-class
whorehouse.”

And this from “to hell and back”:

Once you’ve been to hell
and back,
you don’t look behind you
when the floor
creaks and
the sun is always up at
midnight
and things like
the eyes of mice
or an abandoned tire
in a vacant lot
can make you smile.

Start your day with a good poem. Just don’t sit too long. It leaves a ring.

The power of 5

Two years ago I posted a story about receiving a free razor in the mail from Schick. It was the Quattro. Four blades. I remember thinking, "How many more blades do we need on a razor." I mean, you put enough blades on a razor cartridge and you'll start splitting atoms! Well, today, I opened my mailbox and there was a brand new trial razor waiting for me. I knew right away. It had to be. Five blades. And I was right. It was the Gillette Fusion. Five shaving blades. But wait...there was more. A bonus blade on the back side for trimming sideburns and under the nose. Gillette skipped right over the Cinque and went straight to the Sei!

I simply can't believe this. I am afraid to try this razor. It is quite possible that I would lather up and, with one swipe of the razor, cut my head clean off - a scene right out of Monty Python. This particular razor doesn't take batteries. That would be the Gillette Fusion Power - 5 blades and vibration. There is nothing more absurd in my mind than a vibrating razor. I can only hope the man responsible for the battery-powered razor is being kept safely out of a laboratory environment. He should never invent again!

Now, having had my rant, I will say that the power of advertising can be persuasive. Maybe if instead of my mailman delivering my free razor...


...the Gillette Fusion Girls had dropped by and enticed me to give it a try, my response might have been a little different. I am a team player, after all.

On the cover of the slick, brightly-colored insert that came with my free Gillette Fusion razor were just these words: "It's Time." My question to Gillette is: Time for what?